It's the day after the Easter weekend and despite all kinds of little niggles I am feeling really good: energetic, happy and inclined to look in the mirror and say: looking good doll! I'm enjoying being me today. Getting the website to work is fun and tiring and absorbing. I keep changing my mind about what I want to do with it and what I want to say and sometimes it is seems so arrogant to want to put yourself out there! Then I read this draft and I know there are others out there, going through the same stuff and maybe, if karma is at work, they'll read it and recognize it. And know: shit happens. We do shitty things. All the time. But we can survive and get over it and go on.

 

Some years ago I messed up big time. Really. In a big way. This happens fairly regularly in my life as a human being. Because I'n not a guru. Yet. The likelihood of that happening is, well, let's say..nah. Relax Ram Dass, Eckhart Tolle and Deepak: your following is safe:-)  Anyway: especially in my relationships with the outside world I am inclined to make a dog's breakfast of things. How do I do that? Easy: I take a preconceived idea, I brood on it. I hang out with my Inner Bitch and the two of us brew up a storm of indignation, insult and feeling-hard-done-by. I forget to communicate with whom it may concern. The friends I consult are all biased and so they only see my side of the picture (or they are scared of my reaction if they don't agree, which is a scary thought. But it could be true?) I don't read all the signs properly, I don't go and sit opposite the person I have an issue with; I take what I consider is a 'balanced' decision. And I blow things up.

Actually it's as unbalanced as all hell. Five or six  years later I sat and meditated and I realized: oh boy! did I mess up. As Ram Dass says: 'you get caught up in the drama of your predicament'. Not being a guru I say it differently: I fucked up, but that's not the way nice old ladies are supposed to say it. Anyway: I took something really good in my life and I messed it up. It wasn't perfect, it needed some work, but it didn't need to be beaten up. But I beat it to death, so I lost it.

(Before you go all mushy here: this is not about a love affair, ok? It's not an unhappily-ever-after scenario.)

So there I was, sitting on my 6 pillows and a blanket (meditation cushions cost big bucks!), staring at my meditation candle thinking about this train smash of a drama from the past.

meditation candle

I realized I made a boo-boo. A biggy. And not only that: it wasn't the first time and it wouldn't be the last.  Am I going to be able to turn back the page? Nope. Too long ago. Did I learn from it? Nah, not really, seeing I've done it a couple time since then; an apology might help but the fallout of my intransigence is too big to change. I just have to suck it up and live with it. For a while there I sat and felt really bad: guilty and horrible and embarrassed. Sixty two and I still do this sort of shit! Now what?  I'm supposed to be getting better and here I am, feeling crappy as hell. Many years after the event hindsight develops 20/20 vision...and a conscience:-(.

glasses

Thank goodness for mantras. You just stuff the nasty bits out of sight and you concentrate on going 'ohm whatsit namaha'  and suddenly your meditation starts talking to you. Which is what I did: I put on loud meditation music to drown out the sly whispers of my brain and stared at a candle.

My meditation told me that day: you need to learn from your mistakes. And as I have done this before and don't seem to have learned, I need to go back to the real me, inside. The pure one, the good one that doesn't DO THIS SORT OF THING! You see? Being me isn't always a good thing.

Then I remembered: I am that pure one, that good one. I just hide it under all kinds of nonsense. The nonsense that gets in my way fairly regularly. That is what the last 2 years have been about: getting rid of the layers of really cheap and nasty stuff that has been smothering the me I want to be. But hey! Wait a minute: the fact is: I am being me: I just need to remember about and concentrate on the me I like. I just need to lose the Inner Bitch. Truly a pity that I sometimes let myself get side-tracked by her. A pity for the others and a pity for me. Big lesson learned, now go deal with it. I'm not sure yet how to deal with that, but one day I'll wake up with a plan. Being me CAN work.

Meanwhile, what would also help is if my friends would give me a  heads up when I start down this road again. Spirituality be damned: a good sharp kick in the ass would do wonders...