Dear Ram Dass, Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra and Wayne Dyer (he's still around: if Elvis can appear 40 years after the date then Wayne is definitely still here), in short: DEAR GURU'S:Just a quickie to let you know: don't start looking for a day job, don't throw away your meditation candle and don't throw out your decided not to become your successor. Nor to go into competition with you for the hearts of the enlightened. I won't be joining you really soon.

 Today proved to me and a whole lot of people that when it comes to enlightenment, I'm not. By a loooong chalk. And it only gets worse. It's not gonna happen and I have decided that I don't actually want to join your august company. So I thought I'd let you know, just in case you were getting to retire any day soon? Don't do it. I would definitely become a grumpy guru and that is NOT what you are known for: look, all you are smiling, see?


You see it's like this Three days ago, I started meditation after the summer break, which already says it all: I have a summer break from being enlightened.  Anyway, I got up early (apparently my dotscha or gotscha or  wotsha  demands an early start) did the yoga and then the meditation. Got really light and happy and inspired. Read my email and went up, let's say exploded, like the fourth of July. My cell phone provider is more inspiring of emotions than anyone else in the whole wide world! Very negative waves floating around after THAT phone call let me tell you. It took 2 days for the fire to die down and I only erupt now and again, now.


Two days ago, I was standing on one leg, the other foot lifted high towards the knee as I pushed my hands upwards. I fell over and said the f-word. This was after meditation.  I got so caught up in getting the tree pose right that I started running late.  Washed my hair and dropped the flucking shampoo in the shower. Said the s-word.  Some damns and bloody's later I got in the car and headed for the agèd relative, encountering a whole bunch of  f-wits on the road. I concentrated on my breathing, earning a middle finger from another road user. The effing idiot.  The rest of the day continued in a slightly more calm manner but that evening, watching the parade through the park and the dog owners who let their dogs poo all over the place? there was actually not much love from me for them at that moment.  After my very healthy and balanced and delicious supper I pigged out on crackers and almond paste.  Because I can.


I Lost My Heart:  Another reason for my disenchantment with enlightenment is the fact that my Chakras are in disarray. It's like the poster I ordered from the Internet to cover the mirror in my meditation room. Measuring floor-to-ceiling it's a seated Buddha with the 7 Chakra's. Unfortunately I didn't check the Chakras and now it's terribly embarrassing and €34 worth of poster is hidden behind my bedroom door because the colors are wrong and, true as Bob, the heart Chakra is in the throat. No, really! Coincidence???? What with me not really believing in unconditional love and not accepting that it is our birthright to be loved and happy I obviously have issues with loving the whole world.

I love


But the whole world? Not happening. Sorry. When meditating my way through the Chakras I jump in happily with the Security and Serenity.  I wallow in Happinesss and Passion. Man, the Solar plexis: I am so strong on that Sun Chakra. Then I move into the Heart Chakra and that's where I lose it. The Heart. I think of blogs. I breaaaathe. I think of the weather, Rammmmm. I think of the old lady. Change my hand position (wrists hurting or Chakra stone bracelet tickles or watch ticking). Uncross my legs.Breaaaathe.
By the time Deepak Chopra, who has been minding my time, rings the soft bell I am once again aware that my Heart Chakra and I are not aligned. This is definitely a non-starter for the dedicated Guru.

The final clincher in this discussion is that I have 2 issues I have addressed endlessly and nothing has changed:
a) I am vain as a peacock.  Not only do I flip when I gain weight: I look in mirrors incessantly (that's what the poster was supposed to help). While I was at the dentist this morning I decided to have my front teeth restored to the size they were before a lifetime of chewing wore them down. This is double-unZen: enough food to wear down your teeth when millions are starving and I really shouldn't care that I look like a Stone-age Dentist's advert for capped teeth. And
b)I am intrinsically cynical and my sense of humor cannot resist really cynical jokes. In spite of all my meditating and chanting and humming: when somebody on Face Book posts a meme like this:

"Sometimes I hear people say things and I think: this person should never have learned to talk".

This one also made me laugh:

I hope you got the picture: this is not Guru-type humor, I'm sure.

My companion on the path to enlightenment is really good: she is  way closer to you than I am. We both read your writings. We admire you immensely. I love Deepak Choprah's 21- day Finding your Flow series. I read almost all of Ram Dass' talks. But when it comes to actually following in your footsteps I have to say I have issues here: I try to imagine my 62.5  year old body wrapped in a piece of cloth walking barefoot through India and the mind boggles. I mean: I eat Paleo. I am GLUTEN FREE!!!  Will the poor villagers in India give me Gluten Free onion bhaji's? (They would? I might reconsider.) But potato curry? That is carbs. I don't do carbs. I have difficult feet: barefoot through the dust? Nope, it is not a pretty picture I am painting here.

I have regretfully to inform you that I would be the grumpiest of the Guru's.  The only ZEN I would create is the: 'zen she goes away and leaves us alone' kind.

On the other hand: we have noticed that these days you can cross the roads in the city without the driver actually aiming for your midriff. We think maybe the Spirituality movement and all the terribly sweet, adorable kittens and puppy videos are making people nicer. And today I got through a really awful session at the dentist by thinking of Ram Dass walking barefoot and getting blisters, and imagining how awful it must have been for him and so GRATEFUL that I only had to sit through a dentist's appointment. Which makes him ever so much more useful than I am.
I'll just go on being Grambo (Granny Rambo) Guru Mel. A little kinder, a little more laid-back and laughing like a drain at cynical jokes. A grumpy guru. That's MY Karma...